How do you know you're about to have a bad day?

This morning Tysen woke up entirely too early and came in to say hello. I'm what some would call not a morning person. In fact, I'm pretty much the Wicked Witch of the West before 10 am. So I promptly kicked him out of the room to watch cartoons downstairs. Man, do I love the inventor of the DVR. Turns out, an early wake-up call would be the least of my problems.

Later (I won't admit how much later) I was hurrying to get ready for church. Every once in a while I think it would be nice to get there on time. So I'm out of the shower and start drying my hair when my blow dryer starts making horrific noises and smoke begins to billow out of the back end of it. This can't be good. I just sort of went with it and about 30 seconds later there was a popping sound and it was gone.

This was actually my back-up blow dryer that normally resides under the sink downstairs. But since my sister visited last month and broke my main one, I've been using the back-up. Crap! Now the back-up has given up the proverbial ghost. So what do I do? I dig the box fan out of the depths of the closet, plug it in, turn it on high and try to maneuver myself in front of it in such a way that my hair might possibly get dry before I freeze to death. It was a grizzly sight. I ended up late to church with damp, uncurled hair and a smile. Don't ask me what the plan is for tomorrow morning. I shudder at the possibilities.

Juvenile delinquency here we come

Yesterday morning I got a phone call from Tysen's teacher. Again, the immediate worry is severe head trauma. If only I could be so lucky. This time she called to tell me Tysen has been acting up in class the last week or so. Here's a breakdown of the examples I was given:

1. The other kids were excited to listen to some CD one of the parents sent in. I think the Jonas Brothers were involved. Tysen said something to the effect of that being a dumb idea. Is this a problem I should be concerned about or be proud of my child being confident enough to voice an opinion in opposition to the masses?

2. Tysen has been somewhat unwilling to go to 1st grade reading group. After talking with him, I discovered that he has to miss recess to attend the reading group. Well, duh. He's 6. Of course he'd rather go to recess with his friends. Heck, I'd rather go to recess than read too!

3. At some point during the day, the classroom was quiet (I'm assuming quiet is a relative term when used in reference to a Kindergarten class room). Tysen apparently blurted out "holy crap!" Again, should I be worried about this or be grateful is wasn't some other choice 4 letter word?

We talked to him at length last night about our expectations of him at home and in class and he's been punished (no calling Grandma Day for a week). I'm still not sure what to make of the whole thing. Parenting isn't my strong suit. Any ideas?

What's so funny?

I happen to think my kid is freaking hilarious. And as such, I shall share.

A while ago I was asking him about his day at school and I asked him what he had for lunch and he said a hamburger and french fries and orange juice. Tysen has NEVER liked milk and I'm always worried about him getting enough dairy in his diet so I said "you know, you should try getting the chocolate milk (imagine a voice that would make the word 'chocolate' seem like winning the lottery). I'll bet it's yummy. Don't your friends get the chocolate milk?" His reply was, "well yeah, but the chocolate milk has 180 calories and the orange juice only has 90 so the orange juice is healthier". You've GOT to be kidding me. My kindergartener is counting calories. He definitely didn't learn that one from me.

I'll admit it, we watch a lot of tv. And by "we" I mean I watch a lot of tv. It's my vice. So the other night after dinner Tysen says "hey, do you want to play house?" A reasonable request. "Sure." I said. Then he says "ok, I'll be House and Dad can be Dr. Foreman - do you want to be Dr. Cameron or Cuddy? Audrey and Bonzai will be the patients" And here I was thinking he meant like a mommy a daddy and, if we were feeling really crazy, a tea party when he said "play house". The tv show was not my first thought. Silly kid.

Yeah, that's right - I'm crafty

Here is what we did for Tysen's Valentine's for school this year. Don't be too impressed - I found the idea online. It's supposed to look like an airplane, by the way. I made all the little gum wrappers and Tysen put them all together. When I got home from work last night he had an assembly line all set up. It was so funny.

Jerry, d'you know the human head weighs eight pounds?

Here is a list of things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things, but I haven't figured out the answers to yet:

1. Is "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" just a children's song or is it specifically an LDS children's song? The same question applies to Hinges, Once There Was a Snowman, and Do as I'm Doing.

2. I went out to dinner with some girlfriends last night and they all got their beverages half price for happy hour. Why do I have to pay full price for my Sprite during happy hour? It's discrimination against the non-alcohol consumers.

3. Why do children ALWAYS repeat the things you'd really rather they didn't and never say the good things in public?

4. Why does the baby always poop when I'm rushing out the door to go to work in the morning - and in a fresh, clean diaper, no less.

5. Why do perfectly nice people like Jodie get moth infestations? (aka the spawn of Satan)

6. Why can't my sister blog about something BESIDES Obama?

7. Why does everyone feel so darn bad for all these people who bought houses they couldn't afford and/or took out HELOC's for more money than they could afford just so they could go on vacation (or some such nonsense). Sorry to be a b!*@# but I don't feel bad for stupidity. If someone unexpectedly lost their job, then that's a different issue and I would feel badly. But if your payment is going up because you didn't read the fine print and your mortgage broker was getting a bigger commission for selling you an ARM, then it's really your own fault. Do some research when you're entering 30 years of indebtedness, people!

8. Why do healthy, well-adjusted people (like some nameless to whom I'm related, Joanna) wake up one day and think, "hey, I think I could go for some good old-fashioned painful permanent scarring today - and I think I'd like to pay someone else for the pleasure". Say what you want about the artisanship or the ability to have an ever-present reminder of something important. I watched Miami Ink - I get it. But I still think tattoos are dumb. There's just nothing about intentional skin discoloration that would bring to mind the term "classy". Just wait till that cute little ladybug on your backside becomes a Brontosaurus 25 years and a few kids later. (the ladybug is just an example of a possible situation - I actually don't know anyone with a ladybug so please don't speculate about who I'm referencing as I'm not referencing anyone I know)

9. Why do stupid things stick with you for years and years? For instance, my first year in college I took Anatomy and they used a little saying to memorize the bones in the wrist. Some Lovers Try Positions That They Can't Handle. I remember that, but I don't remember the bones, which was the point of the saying. The brain is an interesting organ.

These are just a few things I don't have answers for in life, so if you could enlighten me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Or let me know something you haven't figured out. And if I pissed you off, please don't take anything on my blog personally. Just random Emily thoughts going on here.

I have a dream

I have a dream that someday, the shred-bin fairy will come along and empty my pathetically overflowing shred box into the main bin in the collating room so that I don't have to haul 70 pounds of paper down the hall. I have a dream.

What's bugging you? What's bugging you? Do you have a pesky pest?

I was tagged by Mare to write 10 things that bug me. I'm in a hurry and I can only think of 6 right now. These will be in no particular order since the level of irritation varies based on my mood. Pardon the work related ones since that's where I spend 60+ hours of my weeks right now.

1. When my husband leaves for work at 6 in the morning and then has B-Ball practice and then has to coach games and doesn't get home till 10 pm. It would be nice to see him once in a while.

2. When people write up journal entries with the credit column first. The debit column should ALWAYS come first - no exceptions. That really bothers me.

3. When clients think we don't need them to provide the information we're asking for. It goes like this "do you really need that?" or "I thought you'd know the answer to that". I'm sorry, I don't magically know what your medical expenses were for 2008. And yes, I really do need your W-2's. Unless, of course, you'd prefer to be audited, in which case, best wishes and please lose my phone number.

4. When my phone cuts out or drops a call - especially if I've been sitting on hold with the insurance company for 45 minutes before I even got to a live person in the first place and then I have to start the whole process over again.

5. When people in the grocery store or mall or wherever give you crusty looks when your kids aren't behaving like angels. Sorry folks, kids get grumpy when they're tired or hungry or just don't want to be trapped in the cart or stroller any longer.

6. The droves of old people who descend upon Phoenix in the winter who can't see, can't hear, and definitely can't drive.

I tag Marci, Janey, Tessa, Amanda and the Greenwoods (all of you). And anyone else who is bored - I don't like to leave people out.

Here's lookin' at you, kid(s)

I have to brag about my kids for just a minute. Why? Because they're wonderful - and it's my blog so I'll write what I want.

Last weekend, Audrey started walking! Finally, I know. She's 13.5 months old, but she's finally decided to walk. Just a little bit now and then. She is still in the stage where she prefers to crawl because that's what she's used to, but she is capable of walking. I'm sure in a week or so she'll be running circles around me and I'll be longing for the crawling era. She has also mastered crawling both up and down the stairs. Which is awesome because now I don't worry quite so much about severe head trauma.

Now, onto my little man, Tysen. His Kindergarten teacher called me the other day - which automatically made me nervous for fear he had severe head trauma or something of the like. The conversation started with the teacher saying, "obviously, Tysen is a very bright child". Hearty sigh of relief at no lasting brain injury. She told me that she believes our sweet boy is gifted. Which every mother believes of her own children, but to hear it from an educator just gives you that nice, warm, validated feeling. She told me that basically he's bored in class, especially during language and reading because he's beyond the capabilities of the other children. So now he's going with one of the first grade classes for the reading block of the day. He's reading chapter books (yes, he's 6) and so he'll probably be more advanced than most of the 1st graders too, but it'll be better.

She also pulled some strings to get him into the AR program (accelerated reading, not accounts receivable for all my accounting buddies). It's a program they almost never let Kindergarten age kids into, even very few 1st graders. So they give him books to read, he reads them several times, then he takes a computer-based test on the book. And she wants to have him tested for the school district's gifted program at the end of the year. I'm so proud of my little guy! He'd better grow up to be some kind of freakish genius and make a ga-zillion dollars and share with me!

You like me - you really like me!

I got a couple of laughs out of these today.

Because I hate Ikea

Because I'd rather be shot that eat SPAM.

Just because it's funny.

I'm a loser, baby - so why don't you kill me

Today I went on a hike with my family.

I'll give you all a moment to pick your jaws up off the floor . . .

Ready to go on? Ok. Toby got me to agree to this outing. I plan on seeking psychiatric help. We went to Kenlynne's house to get her, Glynn and Jaden. It was Glynn's idea to go in the first place. I'm formulating a plan to get back at him. So we drive up somewhere near the Superstition Mountains and park to go up this trail.

Before we left Kenlynne's I asked how hard the trail was. The response was something like "oh, it's supposed to be really easy - I've heard even toddlers are fine to take on this trail". Ok, so a small child can do it, I should be ok. Now, let me tell you that a toddler isn't a solid 60 pounds overweight and hasn't been eating fried foods for the last 27 years. I'm also working on a plot to get back at her. She has a milestone birthday at the end of this month. Hmm . . .

Moving on - Anyone who knows me will know that I'm not much of an outdoor person. My idea of hiking is the escalators in the mall. It makes me want to take a nap every time I watch Man Vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel. Way too much exertion going on there. This pastey white, blubber infested body was not meant to haul itself up the side of a mountain. This trail was NOT easy. And about half way up, when I thought heart explosion was imminent, I stopped. I'm sitting on a rock on the side of a mountain wheezing and I literally couldn't breathe. I thought I was going to die. So I told the others to move on and I went back down the trail to wait at the bottom.

My six year old wasn't even tired when we went home, and I thought I was going to die. Seriously, how freaking pathetic is that?!?!? Something HAS to be done about this. The next time I have an increased fit of stupidity and go hiking with them, I really don't want to fall down dead in front of my children. I also don't want to face the embarrassment of having to leave the group and wait at the bottom again. It was so humiliating to not feel able to complete the task. I was having flashbacks of my first year at Girls Camp as a Beehive and huffing and puffing the whole way on the hike when everyone else was laughing and chatting and singing. No wonder I only went to GC one year.

Here's the pic of me at the bottom of the mountain when the certainty of death had passed.
And here is one of the MANY cacti that waited with me.
The moral of this story is that I really can't let myself be ambivalent about my weight anymore. For the most part, it doesn't bother me to be a fatty. I'm still a smart, successful, loving person with a fabulous hubby, the best kids on the planet, a job I love, a roof overhead, and a few bucks in the bank. Being fat doesn't affect any of those things. So I don't give it that much thought that I'm likely approaching toxic cholesterol levels. I think the fact that I don't mind being fat is one of the reasons that I am. Maybe if it bothered me, I'd do something about it. Well, folks, today I'm bothered. Here's hoping I can keep this horrific experience somewhere in the back of my mind the next time I'm craving Taco Bell. Darn you, Cheesy Double Beef Burrito! You are my nemesis!