How do you know you're about to have a bad day?

This morning Tysen woke up entirely too early and came in to say hello. I'm what some would call not a morning person. In fact, I'm pretty much the Wicked Witch of the West before 10 am. So I promptly kicked him out of the room to watch cartoons downstairs. Man, do I love the inventor of the DVR. Turns out, an early wake-up call would be the least of my problems.

Later (I won't admit how much later) I was hurrying to get ready for church. Every once in a while I think it would be nice to get there on time. So I'm out of the shower and start drying my hair when my blow dryer starts making horrific noises and smoke begins to billow out of the back end of it. This can't be good. I just sort of went with it and about 30 seconds later there was a popping sound and it was gone.

This was actually my back-up blow dryer that normally resides under the sink downstairs. But since my sister visited last month and broke my main one, I've been using the back-up. Crap! Now the back-up has given up the proverbial ghost. So what do I do? I dig the box fan out of the depths of the closet, plug it in, turn it on high and try to maneuver myself in front of it in such a way that my hair might possibly get dry before I freeze to death. It was a grizzly sight. I ended up late to church with damp, uncurled hair and a smile. Don't ask me what the plan is for tomorrow morning. I shudder at the possibilities.

Juvenile delinquency here we come

Yesterday morning I got a phone call from Tysen's teacher. Again, the immediate worry is severe head trauma. If only I could be so lucky. This time she called to tell me Tysen has been acting up in class the last week or so. Here's a breakdown of the examples I was given:

1. The other kids were excited to listen to some CD one of the parents sent in. I think the Jonas Brothers were involved. Tysen said something to the effect of that being a dumb idea. Is this a problem I should be concerned about or be proud of my child being confident enough to voice an opinion in opposition to the masses?

2. Tysen has been somewhat unwilling to go to 1st grade reading group. After talking with him, I discovered that he has to miss recess to attend the reading group. Well, duh. He's 6. Of course he'd rather go to recess with his friends. Heck, I'd rather go to recess than read too!

3. At some point during the day, the classroom was quiet (I'm assuming quiet is a relative term when used in reference to a Kindergarten class room). Tysen apparently blurted out "holy crap!" Again, should I be worried about this or be grateful is wasn't some other choice 4 letter word?

We talked to him at length last night about our expectations of him at home and in class and he's been punished (no calling Grandma Day for a week). I'm still not sure what to make of the whole thing. Parenting isn't my strong suit. Any ideas?

What's so funny?

I happen to think my kid is freaking hilarious. And as such, I shall share.

A while ago I was asking him about his day at school and I asked him what he had for lunch and he said a hamburger and french fries and orange juice. Tysen has NEVER liked milk and I'm always worried about him getting enough dairy in his diet so I said "you know, you should try getting the chocolate milk (imagine a voice that would make the word 'chocolate' seem like winning the lottery). I'll bet it's yummy. Don't your friends get the chocolate milk?" His reply was, "well yeah, but the chocolate milk has 180 calories and the orange juice only has 90 so the orange juice is healthier". You've GOT to be kidding me. My kindergartener is counting calories. He definitely didn't learn that one from me.

I'll admit it, we watch a lot of tv. And by "we" I mean I watch a lot of tv. It's my vice. So the other night after dinner Tysen says "hey, do you want to play house?" A reasonable request. "Sure." I said. Then he says "ok, I'll be House and Dad can be Dr. Foreman - do you want to be Dr. Cameron or Cuddy? Audrey and Bonzai will be the patients" And here I was thinking he meant like a mommy a daddy and, if we were feeling really crazy, a tea party when he said "play house". The tv show was not my first thought. Silly kid.

Yeah, that's right - I'm crafty

Here is what we did for Tysen's Valentine's for school this year. Don't be too impressed - I found the idea online. It's supposed to look like an airplane, by the way. I made all the little gum wrappers and Tysen put them all together. When I got home from work last night he had an assembly line all set up. It was so funny.

Jerry, d'you know the human head weighs eight pounds?

Here is a list of things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things, but I haven't figured out the answers to yet:

1. Is "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" just a children's song or is it specifically an LDS children's song? The same question applies to Hinges, Once There Was a Snowman, and Do as I'm Doing.

2. I went out to dinner with some girlfriends last night and they all got their beverages half price for happy hour. Why do I have to pay full price for my Sprite during happy hour? It's discrimination against the non-alcohol consumers.

3. Why do children ALWAYS repeat the things you'd really rather they didn't and never say the good things in public?

4. Why does the baby always poop when I'm rushing out the door to go to work in the morning - and in a fresh, clean diaper, no less.

5. Why do perfectly nice people like Jodie get moth infestations? (aka the spawn of Satan)

6. Why can't my sister blog about something BESIDES Obama?

7. Why does everyone feel so darn bad for all these people who bought houses they couldn't afford and/or took out HELOC's for more money than they could afford just so they could go on vacation (or some such nonsense). Sorry to be a b!*@# but I don't feel bad for stupidity. If someone unexpectedly lost their job, then that's a different issue and I would feel badly. But if your payment is going up because you didn't read the fine print and your mortgage broker was getting a bigger commission for selling you an ARM, then it's really your own fault. Do some research when you're entering 30 years of indebtedness, people!

8. Why do healthy, well-adjusted people (like some nameless to whom I'm related, Joanna) wake up one day and think, "hey, I think I could go for some good old-fashioned painful permanent scarring today - and I think I'd like to pay someone else for the pleasure". Say what you want about the artisanship or the ability to have an ever-present reminder of something important. I watched Miami Ink - I get it. But I still think tattoos are dumb. There's just nothing about intentional skin discoloration that would bring to mind the term "classy". Just wait till that cute little ladybug on your backside becomes a Brontosaurus 25 years and a few kids later. (the ladybug is just an example of a possible situation - I actually don't know anyone with a ladybug so please don't speculate about who I'm referencing as I'm not referencing anyone I know)

9. Why do stupid things stick with you for years and years? For instance, my first year in college I took Anatomy and they used a little saying to memorize the bones in the wrist. Some Lovers Try Positions That They Can't Handle. I remember that, but I don't remember the bones, which was the point of the saying. The brain is an interesting organ.

These are just a few things I don't have answers for in life, so if you could enlighten me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Or let me know something you haven't figured out. And if I pissed you off, please don't take anything on my blog personally. Just random Emily thoughts going on here.

I have a dream

I have a dream that someday, the shred-bin fairy will come along and empty my pathetically overflowing shred box into the main bin in the collating room so that I don't have to haul 70 pounds of paper down the hall. I have a dream.