Kids are . . . Fun?

I've admitted in the past that I read a lot of blogs. That being the case, I've noticed that people often gush about their kids and families. Everyone thinks their kids are perfect. Which I think is fabulous! I'm the first to tell people, yes even total strangers, that my children are fantastic. However, I have several friends who don't yet have kids and I worry that this happy picture the rest of us paint may lead them to see thru rose-colored glasses when it comes to having kids. So for my friends without kids, let me break it down for you in 11 points (I had more than 10 and I couldn't think of a 12th one so you get 11):

1. Getting knocked up: this is the fun part

2. Morning Sickness: the term itself is completely misleading as it's not at all limited to happening in the morning. My personal favorite was totally chunking in the middle of a gas station when I stopped to buy a fountain drink. Ya - it was fabulous! Another myth surrounding this little treat is that it goes away after the first tri-mester. Not true, my friends, not true.

3. Getting Fat: painful but true - you will gain weight. Some people you know will look exactly the way they did sophomore year in high school just weeks after giving birth. I assure you, this is not the norm so don't count on it. Be prepared to work out like you never have before and don't even try on your skinny jeans until the kid is at least a year old. This alone will save you tears, I promise.

4. Peeing: every hour on the hour and sometimes in between - even in the middle of the night. I personally believe this is God's way of preparing you for the lack of sleep you will experience for several months after the baby is born.

5. Smell/Taste: nothing smells or tastes the way it should when you're pregnant. Not sure why. You will find yourself dry-heaving at the thought of eating something you normally love. You will also want to eat foods you don't like at all. Smells can and will induce vomiting so watch out for that one.

6. Family Matters: deciding who will be there when the baby comes. Now, some people have parents who want to be there - even fathers. Some people are married to people who's parents want to be there (my poor sister is one of these - her hubby's mom kept walking in the room). Everyone's preference is different so don't be afraid of hurting anyone's feelings here. In our household the conversation went something like this: Emily said "it's my va-jay-jay - it's my decision who gets to see it". End of discussion. However, it is not up to your husband or significant other whether or not HE gets to be there. This is kind of one of those things where if you were there in the beginning you're obligated to be there at the end.

7. Labor: not the way they show it on tv. It's either a lot easier than it is on tv or it's much, much worse (it depends on the show). When Rachel had Emma on Friends, that one was WAY to easy. What, did she push like twice?! Come on! Painful? Yes. Unbearable? Apparently not or the human race would have fizzled out long ago. I do, however, highly recommend the epidural. Sure, it's a 10 inch needle being inserted between your bones in order to shoot chemicals into your spinal column. So what? And so what if they don't work 100% of the time. Give it a try anyway - you'll be glad you did, trust me!

8. After the Baby is Born: this is the part they don't tell you about. Once the baby comes out you have to still push to deliver the rest of the garbage in your uterus. I thought I was done pushing! Then your body has to return to "normal". I use the term in quotations because the fact is, your body never feels exactly like it did before you had a child. It just doesn't. You'll adapt to a new sense of the term normal and that's ok too. It will take months for this new normal to become ok with you.

9. Sleeping After the Baby is Born: don't count on this happening for at least 4 months. And just when the baby gets into a routine of sleeping and you get nice and comfy with that, teething begins and you start all over again. Be prepared to not get a good night's sleep for approximately a year without having benadryl involved.

10. Poop: it will be everywhere. Everything you own will get pooped on, spit up on, projectile vomited on, sneezed on, bloody nosed on, cried on, peed on, or baby food spilled on (and it's always the nasty green stuff that gets spilled). You will learn how to get spit-up stains out of everything (or throw it away and pretend you never owned it) and Sharpie marker out of your sofa (if you need this info, give me a call).

11. Child Rearing: the whole is better than the sum of it's parts. Some days you will want to kill your child - but you won't. There will be days you want nothing more than a nap and you're looking forward to bedtime like it's Ed McMahon knocking on your door with Publisher's Clearing House. Inevitably that's the night the baby will stay up until 3 am wailing or the older child will decide there are monsters under his bed. You will want to pull your hair out and jump out the window - but again, you won't. Why? Because, despite all of that, being with your snotty, poopy, spitting up kids is a blast! In my limited parenting, I've been thru infancy (twice), toddler, preschool age and now school age. They are all fabulous! I love all stages of life I've seen so far! Check in on my blog in 10 years when I have a teenager and it may be a different story - we'll have to see. Just seeing a child learn something new is fascinating. I love all the "why" questions because that means Tysen is learning something new. He may not remember all the things I teach him (hopefully he lets some of the 4 letter words he hears slip his mind), but he learns so much and it's fabulous. Even Audrey discovers new things every day at her young age. Nothing makes me happier than to sneak in each of their rooms at night and put my hand on each of their chests to feel and hear them breathing and wonder what they're dreaming of and what they'll be someday. And I tell Toby every night "We have beautiful kids" and he always says "I know - they're perfect!"